The Hero Dies in this One

For roughly 5 months, I’ve stopped writing, when writing is one of my greatest passion and something I thoroughly enjoy doing. There were two main reasons that I stopped writing, one of which being that I didn’t have any inspiration and just couldn’t write anything. However, this came after I abruptly stopped writing because I refused to do so – or rather, I placed a gag order on myself.

You see, I wouldn’t want to write anything in the heat of the moment and potentially cause a whole lot of damage on what was already a tricky condition that I was dealing with. Any wrongly-worded sentences or poor choice of words could lead to a fight or argument that I really wouldn’t want to be involved with. It’ll be too exhausting both physically and mentally.

I really wouldn’t want every single word in every single sentence in every single blog post to be scrutinized or dissected because it can easily lead to problems and misunderstandings that might exert a whole lot of energy and emotions. I really didn’t want that, hence why I imposed a gag order on myself, which as you can tell, lasted almost half a year.

After awhile, the self-imposed gag drained me of any will or inspiration to write again, and I almost deleted this blog. The inspiration soon came back – though through the form of an amazing person I might never be able to be with; which is a sick joke that shows how Karma is just twisted in her head, but I digress.

So, as documented in the previous, recent posts, I started writing again – and most of what I’ve written is about the inspiration, although there were mention about my past, which I did solely for creative writing purposes. Of course, every word was dissected and taken as a malice attack, which it wasn’t, and I was subsequently attacked as well.

*Deep breath*

Now, I know I’m not perfect, and I never claimed to be. I also might appear to be all fine and dandy, but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t have anyone that I can tell every single detail of my life or problems to, and it makes it harder because I have to keep things to myself. Alas, that is life, and I should just suck it up and move on.

The thing about maintaining my silence is that most people might never know my side of the story, and would judge me by the single side of the story – which is still true, but just lacking my own perspective, because it’s funny, how a similar story would be different through different eyes. I guess most of the people who know me won’t ever hear my side of things, but I guess that’s okay.

My biggest regret though, the girl who has become my inspiration, someone who I can’t seem to take my mind off lately, she might not know my side and what I saw through my eyes, and I do hope that she won’t see me for through someone else’s eyes, but she’ll see me through her own and what she’s seen in the past month or so. If not, it would definitely hurt, but then again, I never was anyone important to her in the first place.

In the end, I’ve become a mere afterthought and I guess I shouldn’t really complain and concentrate on what really matter in my life right now – hopefully something attainable. I’m just tired and I don’t want to fight, I don’t want my every word to be dissected and be considered as an attack and I don’t want to be involved in anything that might lead to more disappointments, I just want to be able to genuinely smile again, I just want that – even if it kills me.

So because of that, you’ve just read my last blog post here in “The Dreamy’s Eyes.”