It’s easier to say things or make a resolve about someone when that person is nowhere near you, yet the moment that person appears in front of you, that is when the real test of your resolve begins.
During the holidays, I’ve made a resolve about someone and I thought my resolve was unshakable, yet on the first day of class in Melaka (last Monday), when she appeared in front of me in MARA, suddenly I started to question my resolve.
I was talking to my friends when she appeared in my line of sight, and suddenly I found myself stopped talking because I was so transfixed on her. After what seemed like an eternity (2 seconds really), I snapped back into reality and continued the conversation.
Naturally my friends noticed the slight pause and immediately turned to see what I was seeing. I ignored their queries and continued my conversation with them.
Those two seconds shook my resolve and I’ve realized that it may not be as easy as I anticipate it to be. So yeah, I guess from now on I’ll be more guarded and won’t weaken my resolve.
Yati just texted me, informing me that tomorrow’s mock debate is cancelled. I guess I’m somewhat relieved by the news – mostly because I’ve suddenly become very nervous about the debate.
I’ve been telling anyone from the debate team that would care to listen that I want to quit debating – but I never gave any solid reason. I guess, in a way, two tournaments that I sucked simply showed my ability (or lack thereof), and diminished my self-confidence. Pfft.
The new semester has started and already I’ve felt the burden of being the “top-guy” and the need to maintain my stature – which in a way scares me a little.
The surprising thing here is that success should make me more confident, yet I’m losing mine because of it.
I need to snap out of this – FAST!
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