No Surprise

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, yet it did.

It’s easier to say things or make a resolve about someone when that person is nowhere near you, yet the moment that person appears in front of you, that is when the real test of your resolve begins.

During the holidays, I’ve made a resolve about someone and I thought my resolve was unshakable, yet on the first day of class in Melaka (last Monday), when she appeared in front of me in MARA, suddenly I started to question my resolve.

I was talking to my friends when she appeared in my line of sight, and suddenly I found myself stopped talking because I was so transfixed on her. After what seemed like an eternity (2 seconds really), I snapped back into reality and continued the conversation.

Naturally my friends noticed the slight pause and immediately turned to see what I was seeing. I ignored their queries and continued my conversation with them.

Those two seconds shook my resolve and I’ve realized that it may not be as easy as I anticipate it to be. So yeah, I guess from now on I’ll be more guarded and won’t weaken my resolve.

Yati just texted me, informing me that tomorrow’s mock debate is cancelled. I guess I’m somewhat relieved by the news – mostly because I’ve suddenly become very nervous about the debate.

I’ve been telling anyone from the debate team that would care to listen that I want to quit debating – but I never gave any solid reason. I guess, in a way, two tournaments that I sucked simply showed my ability (or lack thereof), and diminished my self-confidence. Pfft.

The new semester has started and already I’ve felt the burden of being the “top-guy” and the need to maintain my stature – which in a way scares me a little.

The surprising thing here is that success should make me more confident, yet I’m losing mine because of it.

I need to snap out of this – FAST!

Stay the Same

Criteria 9:
I would want someone that doesn't make me feel embarrassed to be myself. Certain girls try to control what their guys do, and make them feel as if they are not good enough or a bad person. I want someone who accepts me the way I am - good or bad, and won't make me feel embarrassed for being myself.

Love Story

Does love at first sight really exist?

Love, by my definition should be earned in a sense that you get to know the person, appreciate what they have to offer, accepting their flaws if not turning a blind’s eye to it, and knowing what a great person they are and they would always be there for you. It’s like learning to trust and have faith in the other person. Love, like any other things in the world, in my opinion, should be earned.

Then by my definition, love at first sight defies everything that has to do with love. Love at first sight can simply put, as the hypocritical yet courageous cousin of love. Love at first sight has no real explanation – you see someone and you fall in love without considering any other things that define “love.”

She was beautiful; there was no doubt of that. She was dining alone at the other end of the restaurant, her beautiful smile making everything else seem monotone and grayscale in comparison.

Her eyes flicked up, caught mine like a rabbit, transfixed in headlights. She held my gaze for only a moment, but in that moment I was complete. The rest of the room fell away, all the unnecessary patrons and furniture tumbling to an empty nothingness, a void my imagination was too distracted to deal with. It was just me and her, standing there, our eyes locked in a timeless moment of perfection.

What is it about love that can make our minds think crazy things; we have the need to be impulsive, to do the things we don’t normally do, and to do stupid things. When we found ourselves in love, we always find our head wondering into nothingness, into an imaginary world where we and the person that we are in love with are together, happily in love.

In my imagination, she strode over to me, brimming with confidence, my heart beating frantically in my chest. I went to speak but her finger was suddenly against my lips. Her soft, gentle touch silencing me before I could even speak, before I could even think to speak. And as we stood opposite one another, away from the world yet together in ourselves, she leant forward and kissed me.

Her soft lips met mine, and all my problems and worries melted away. She was perfect. And as I fell deeper into the kiss, the passion rising, she fell away, disappearing into thin air. And just like that, I was back in the restaurant, with its noisy patrons, cluttered tables, and a beautiful woman who, for a moment, had made me a complete man.

Do we tend to exaggerate things when we’re in love? There’s always that chance. When we’re in love, especially when in the early stages, we think that that person is the best person in the whole wide world, that person is just perfect and that everything about that person becomes everything you want in a spouse or a partner.

Then again, love is also humbling. You would think that someone as perfect as that could never be with someone like you. It’s impossible, and unfathomable. Even so, you would still feel that you would want to at least spend a second with the person you’re so madly in love with

As I continue to sneak glances towards this goddess that is just sitting alone at her table, I started to marvel in her beauty at how angelic she looked, how beautiful her smile is, how the very sight of her make my body tingle, and I could just thank God that I was given the opportunity to even be in the same room as this angelic goddess. I could almost cry.

Maybe I should just go towards her, see if I have the guts to talk to her – to make things happen with her. I tried to stand up, but I feel my legs have turned into jell-o. My heart was racing faster than an F1 car and I was sweating like I was sitting directly under the sun.

When reality sets in, you know that there’s always the chance that things wouldn’t work out between the two of you, mainly because she was her, and you were you. What happens when it fails? Failing a relationship with the person you love should be more painful than any other pain in the world.

“She would just break my heart,” I rationalized.

Having my heart broken by someone like her would be excruciating, But then again, it’s her. She’s my perfect dream girl.

Love is about taking chances, the thing is a lot of people pass on that chances to be happy mainly because they are afraid to get hurt or are too intoxicated in their fantasies of a perfect life with the person that they love, and ended up missing their chance.

Getting my heart broken by her would be horrible and I would rather throw myself off of the highest building in the world, or jump in front of a speeding car so that I wouldn’t feel that pain again… yet, I’ve waited all my life to be miserable and if the excruciating pain is the only way I could stay connected to her then this is who I have to be.

She then turned to leave, and then it hit me: the door was on the other side of the restaurant. Behind me. I tensed… She was going to walk past me? My heart was doing its best impression of a hoard of stampeding elephants. My grip tightened on the forgotten glass I was holding.

My mind focused just as the goddess strolled past. With the single most beautiful smile that I’ve seen sent to her in my direction, she flew past me, her step as graceful as though she were gliding on ice.

Just as I thought the intimacy was a conspiracy created by my overactive imagination, I felt a squeeze, and the jacket I was wearing received a slight tug. She’d grabbed my arm. I turned to say something, but she had already vanished. Maybe it was indeed, just my imagination.

Should I go after her? Sure, if I go after her, one of the 4 scenarios could happen:

a) She rejects me

b) She laughs in my face, and then rejects me

c) See a

d) My dreams would come true

What should I do?

The thing about love is that love should take time and that everything about love is that it requires faith and trust in the person that we love. Love should be earned – which totally goes against the concept of love at first sight.

But then again, love at first sight, being impulsive, uncontrollable, unexplainable, unfathomable and indescribable leads a person to make that “leap of faith” are also the main component of being in love.

I then quickly paid the bill, and chased after her.

“Que sera, sera”

So hypocritical or not, love at first sight is indeed love.

Man in the Mirror

Some people need to lighten up.

I understand the anger and being offended and can see why it is considered to be rude and a little bit on the stupid side. I disagree with it being “loathe” but I would admit it’s kind of cheeky of me (or as you put it, impertinent), but like I said, some people need to lighten up. To be fair, it’s not really me trying to get attention mainly because I didn’t publish it. Anonymous or not, I do know who you are.

I’m not angry; just feel like clearing things up… and oh, I hope you’ll get past this debacle soon enough :).

Oh that reminds me everyone, a quick reminder in case you’ve forgotten: “I don’t pander to the people.”

Here’s a quick riddle:

Yesterday I went shopping, I decided that I would spend at most RM60, I then buy goods worth RM40 and when I reach home, I still have RM50 in my wallet.

Why?

* * *

So MJ has passed away. My honest thoughts on this is the fact that it’s always a sad thing when a person passes away, and even though the pedophile scandal wasn’t the best thing in the world that could happen to him, he’s a great musician and I enjoy his music.

* * *

They say that in order to replicate or improve a winning formula, one must try and think back what makes it a winning formula in the first place, try to mirror the past if you will. Isolate the thing that made it successful and try to improve on that.

So I’ve been thinking on what I did right last semester, and here are my thoughts on that:

• Thanks to the motivation from Liyana and Fakhry, I was determined not to lose to them and ended up not missing a single class last year.
• Could that be it? It could help, but I don’t think it is the major factor.

• I’m almost always alone at home – especially when Bowling and Rizal are out doing their own thing with their classmates.
• Could that be it? I don’t really think so because looking back, while being alone at home gives me more time to study peacefully, I don’t think that I spent much of the alone time studying (read: sleep early).

• There’s also the thing that Udin always did (and probably still do) Thursday nights in Lendu, which I almost never did back then – and only started doing that the previous semester.
• Could that be it? I would love to think so.

That’s all well and good, but I’ve come up with one major reason why I did so well last semester: Amal.

There I’ve said it. My ex-girlfriend was an integral part of my success last semester.

During semesters, I have this bad habit of overloading my brain with women that probably would not want to have anything to do with me. Mundane stuff like: “does she really like me?” “why is she stringing me along for no reason?” “could she just stop giving mixed signals?” are basically stupid things to have in my head.

However, when I was with Amal, none of that sort of thing happened, mainly because I was only thinking of her – only natural because she was my girlfriend at the time. The only person that could mess me up was Amal, and she didn’t do that.

She was the epitome of a perfect girlfriend and never really gave me any grief. We barely fought and even when we did, it wasn’t anything major that could screw things up (well, apart from the issue that led to the breakup).

So what I’m trying to say is this, being in a relationship with her prevents me from having other stupid issues with other girls because I was with her and no one else, and only she could screw me up and she didn’t. So yeah, her being great to me helped me concentrate on the things that really matters the most – and led to my best performance in a semester since EVER.

Hold your horses, while Amal have been arguably the best girlfriend ever to me, I don’t think that we would end up back together and we’re better off as friends. Amal and I have shown that there is such a thing as a civilized break up and there is a possibility of being friends after a breakup.

So yeah, I just want to thank you Amal for being great to me. It’s going to be hard for me to further improve myself next semester. :)

Frienemies

I'm sure a friend of mine is hating my so-called new transformation, and by that I mean me not pandering to the people. I'm guessing my friend is tired of seeing me being in their eyes an angry person and disrespecting other people.


Well, this is my message to my friend:


Let me clear things up once again, I'm not going to pander to the people - and that includes you. I'm not going to pander to your every whim of gossip or badgering of something minuscule just to satisfy your petty needs.


However, just because I don't want to pander to your petty needs, I still consider you a friend.


But apparently, since I've stopped pandering to the people and started to tell the truth, you start to distance yourself for me like I'm carrying H1N1 virus that stopped Noel and his crew going to the Australs - but I digress.


Anyways, you've distanced yourself from me, and maybe you start to see me as a threat. You find yourself irritated by my presence and consider me to be annoying and if it was up to you, you wouldn't want anything to do with me.


Don't deny it, just be honest.


Honestly, I think it's sad that me telling the truth forced you to feel that you don't want me in your "pure" life anymore... and if you really feel that way then I won't stand in your way because quite frankly, I have my stand and I won't pander to anyone - that includes you.


It's sad to think that me not pandering to you makes me enemy in your eyes.


If it is that quick for you to discount our friendship, then I guess we were never truly friends, were we?

The World We Live In

It’s funny how my blog-post of less than 10 lines gets more comments than my multiple paragraphs that I invested a lot of time with and well thought of blog-post. That really does wonders for my creativity juice’s morale.

So anyways, here are the bullet points for you guys:

• In my last post I’ve mentioned how I got “pwned” by the random girl’s Facebook post.
• First of all, I never asked her out, just merely commenting her post, and to have her interpreted literally is just plain idiocracy and embarrassed me.
• Oh her age? She’s the same as us.

• Of course, Facebook is also the place where I get to connect back with my old high school friends
• I’ve already mentioned numerous times how my high school sucks.
• I saw in Facebook how they went on a “mini-reunion” of sorts – going on holidays to Melaka.
• That made me realize how out of touch I was.
• Now, I never really was close to them, and probably wouldn’t fit in with them, but still, seeing them and being left out shows how much of an outcast I’ve become.

Another thing that bugs me is Yasnida’s wedding.

Now, it’s not her wedding that really bothers me, but it’s how people keep shoving her wedding in my face that bothers me.

Okay, I’m not really angry, but kind of frustrated.

First of all, I never really got the invitation to her wedding – mainly because apart from that minor crush for her way back when, we were never close. So for everyone to keep asking me to go to her wedding is kind of annoying.

Second of all, why do people insist on shoving the wedding in my face, as if wanting me to snap and cry that she’s married now? Simply because I used to like her?

Let me just clear something up, the thing I had with Yas was ages ago and my true feeling is that I’m happy she’s getting married – but that does not mean I want to have her wedding shoved in my face, her wedding pictures shoved in my face, another reminder of the fact that not only she got married, but I’m being left out of another group event.

Okay, I made that sound bitter, but honestly I’m not. Honestly I’m fine and that the only thing that bothers me is the fact that people keep shoving it in my face.

Insane

Ever feel like you're missing out on life? on everything?

Yeah, precisely.

***

Random girl's Facebook status:
"so bored, want to go out!"

Being bored myself, I commented:
"yeah me too! jom jom jom!"

Her reply:
"my bf x bagi I kuar berdua with other guys."



PWNED!