Always On My Mind

From my recent posts and status updates in Facebook, it’s pretty clear that lately I’ve been feeling a tad bit angst – to say the least. I want to address this, but not today, because somehow, work have been piling up today. The fact that I manage to type this implies that I’ve finished my job (yes), which says a lot about the speed I can actually finish my work; but I digress. Anyways, I don’t think that I can address the angst, at least not today.

I was thinking of doing something else instead – to show you that I can actually be jovial – or at least less angst. So I messed around and decided to put up my “Top 3 Moments of the Past 3 Years.” Since it’s premature to include 2010, I would be putting one moment per year from 2007, 2008 and of course 2009. I would rank the moments accordingly.

(Because lists are FUN!)

3. March 27, 2008 – The MEDIA Dinner

I was in my sixth and final semester of my Diploma in Accountancy, and I’ve basically been to all the MEDIA dinner – mostly to get my DL Award. On this particular dinner, it’s to celebrate us, the sixth semester students before graduating. For the first time ever, I won’t be going up stage to get my DL Award. As the night goes on, everyone is having fun including yours truly – well that is, until they announce the DL Award recipients to come up and to take their respective awards.

It was at that precise moment that I was engulfed with sadness and was trying my hardest not to look sad, because I won’t be able to go up on stage to get the award because the previous semester I got 3.47 – a measly 0.03 away from being on course for an ANC.

Friends tried to comfort me, and I put on a half-mask saying I’m fine (a pun on the actual mask I chose for the night; the theme was masquerade – go figure). So anyways, the next award was the ‘Tokoh Pelajar Award’ which is usually given to the person who is has good academic record (i.e. on course for ANC) and good leadership skills (i.e. former MEDIA MT or former MPP), and is a testament by the lecturers and peers that you’re the best of the crop; especially important in my batch, because our batch was arguably the best DIA batch that UITM Melaka has ever seen.

Knowing I could never get that award, I just blocked out everything around me – mainly because I wanted that award, and it killed me that I didn’t really fulfilled the requirement for the award. I barely listened to the MC until I heard them announcing the winner as…

“Adderly Shah!”

I was shocked beyond compare and the fact that the award was given to me by Pn. Afidah; former DIA coordinator who have always been great to me – especially during the whole Farah Syazana debacle, made it even more amazing. The fact that I was genuinely shocked and equally as happy if not more, more than merited this moment as the best of 2008 and number 3 on the ‘Top 3 Moments of the Last 3 Years.’

2. October 3rd, 2009 – The NICED Champions

Moment number 3 sets precedence for me. Since getting that award, I’ve always strived to be the best in whatever I do – especially during my degree; to make up for the loss during my diploma. I started off well in my degree and quickly set my mark as the top dog in my batch.

Then, debate comes a-knocking. I thought that I would suck in debating, but I wasn’t as bad as I thought – although MDO did come as a reality check. Looking at the crowd in MDO, I knew that I was a very small fish swimming in a freakishly large ocean with sharks. My desire to be the best was still intact, but I knew it was unrealistic.

Months went by, and I’ve won the ICDC and somehow gave me the confidence that I could actually achieve something in the debating world. Then come NICED, and with Jehan and Aiman by my side, my confidence grew. I came to PMM never expecting to win; was only hoping to break or maybe make it to the semifinals.

Then something miraculous happened, KBM 2, my team with the ever awesome Jehan and the reliable Aiman was ranked first to break and suddenly, we started to believe. We strolled past the quarters and when faced KBM 1 for the semis; we practically decided that KBM 1 would do a better job being in the finals and somewhat given up on the dream of making it to the finals. That however, didn’t mean that we were half-assed or complacent in the semifinals, we did gave our best shot – and won.

Now that we were in the finals, we were determined to win the cup, and with the help of our fallen colleagues, each of whom have contributed to our run to the finals one way or another, it was sweetest sound in the world when it was announced that the winner of NICED ’09 was from “Universiti Teknologi MARA Kampus Bandaraya Melaka 2!”

That win was momentous, to win a national championship. Sure, it wasn’t really the biggest tournament in the world, but that moment showed that I’m no longer a small fish – and while not really a shark (far from it), I knew that I could hold my own in the large ocean with the sharks.

So in a way, I did manage to be the best.

1. June 1^st, 2007 – ‘The’ Birthday to Remember.

I won’t explain this moment, because to me, it’s my favorite moment – ever, and some things are just better kept deep inside. While technically there are only two people in the world who knew what happened that day, I doubt that the other person knows or care (or even remembers) about that day anymore.

Be that as it may, that moment is still lodged in my heart and is always on my mind.

The Gambler

“You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.”

Sometimes in life – at least mine, it can be akin to a high stakes poker game. You’re holding the cards in your hand, looking at your opponents, weighing your options and then decide whether you’re putting all your money in or are you ready to fold and walk away.

In a high stakes poker game, here’s the card that you’ve been dealt with:

So in essence, you know that you can win with the pair sevens, but at the same time, you could easily lose because the cards in your hands aren’t really that formidable. Assuming the fact that your opponents would have a weaker card than yours, you know that this shouldn’t be a problem. However, if the stakes are high and insurmountable, would you risk everything on this hand?

Let’s look at another perspective, shall we? What if you’re dealt with these set of cards:

Unless you have a really good poker face, I doubt that you can contain a smile. While a full house isn’t necessarily a sure-fire win, but I think it’s safe to assume that your opponent might not be able to beat this hand. Obviously it’s better than the pair of sevens from the previous scenario, and some question applies, in a high risk situation, would you risk everything on this hand?

I guess the rules applies in real life too, in making a choice between right or left, there is no such thing as “belok, belok!” because a decision is still needed. On one hand you have a decent choice that could have a decent chance of winning, but too small of a chance to risk everything on, while at the same time, there’s a better chance of winning, with little to lose.

The decision appears to be obvious don’t you think? Especially when we take into account the fact that the ‘pair of sevens’ have already burned you before. This shouldn’t be hard, especially with what’s at stake.

What if I still want to go with the pair of sevens?

Tik Tok

Sometimes, you just know that something is about to go wrong. You know that there’s a perfectly good reason for something that can easily be misinterpreted, but you know that you just can’t get away from it.

It sucks for you to know that you have a perfectly good explanation that can clear things up – but at the same time you know that it wouldn’t help change the perspective of others; especially one you really care about.

It’s excruciatingly painful to know that the end is near, everything that you’ve built, that you’ve strived to achieve is slipping away from your fingers. While you know that nothing is set in stone just as yet, you just can tell that the wheels of destiny is already in motion – and not in your favor.

It kills you that it’s going to be over soon, you’re just counting the seconds until it happens – and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Tik. Tok. Tik. Tok.

Already Gone

Dr. Gregory House once said; “almost dying changes nothing; dying changes everything.” It was one of those things that made him look like a complete ass or a genius or both.

That said, it’s hard to argue on what he said; because when it comes to dealing with mortality, it’s hard not to stop whatever it is you’re doing and just absorb every different emotions that come rushing to you.

Deaths always have an effect to people – be it the death of someone close, or someone you don’t even know. It serves as a reminder how precious life is, how we barely know a person or maybe how despite what we do, we are not as invincible as how we perceive we are.

For the death of people we barely know or at all, we might just be silent for a moment thinking about yet another life gone, and then go back to our lives, but when it hit someone you do have an emotional attachment, thing get complicated.

An old schoolmate of mine is a huge Michael Jackson fan, and the death of his hero hit him hard. For months (up until now), his Facebook statuses include how he still misses MJ. Now I know some of you might think that it’s time to move on, but some people just can’t. So is the power of death.

Wrestling is a sport that causes many deaths, and it isn't any different. Death changes things. For reasons unknown we let tragedies have adverse effects on the way we remember certain aspects of the careers of certain wrestlers. Sometimes the effect is positive while others it's negative; yet either way it's impossible to deny.

For example, Eddie Guerrero is a great wrestler, but his untimely death made him an instant legend and got catapulted and inducted into WWE’s Hall of Fame. On the other side of the spectrum, Chris Benoit, who is an amazing wrestler in his own right, when he died, his legacy is tarnished and everyone chose to remember what he did on his last night alive rather than decades of what he contributed in the ring.

Another example of this would be Heath Ledger. Many people raved how his portrayal of Joker in ‘The Dark Knight’ was the best ever, and while I do agree and love him as Joker in the movie, I can’t help but to think whether his performance was overrated and raved just because he passed away. I mean no disrespect to the dead, but I’m just saying how death can change perspective on something.

* * *

Yesterday, I got news that the TESL coordinator, Mr. Ishak passed away. Now, I may not be close to him or know him like the TESL students do, but I do know him – having him teach my class for two semesters back in my diploma days. The news of his passing came as a huge shock to me, and I really couldn’t believe that it happened.

Bowling and I always have a good rapport with him – but then again, I’m sure almost everyone who crossed paths with him does. He was always smiling and telling jokes and the fact that he remembers us even after a while since teaching us was a great pleasure to us.

I used to call him “Mister BEL” which is because of the subject he thought us – not really creative, but yeah. People always mention that he looks like my dad, and I guess I can see the resemblance.

He has given a lot of people a lot of different things – from knowledge to laughter to just a smile and we would be forever grateful. Because of what he has given, we would remember a lot of him.

We would always remember how in the first day of class with him, we always have to ask him a question – any question, we would also remember how if one of us fail to come to his class, we know that the said person would answer every question or read every paragraph in the following lesson. We would also remember not to get a question wrong because if we do, he would say the words that would make everyone smile; “wrong answer, same person.”

* * *

Another huge effect that comes alongside death is something that is possibly the worst feeling to have that follows death: regret.

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when you let down a friend. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change your own ways.

But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did – but, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say that could've save someone that we care about; especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

I know the feeling – that regrettable feeling lodge deep inside you because you fail to apologize or say something until it’s too late.

I don’t know if most readers here know about one ‘Nur Amalina Aznina,’ she was a former debater back in Lendu. Amalina – or more affectionately known as Intan (I don’t know why she was called that), was my classmate back in diploma and she grew to be one of my biggest enemies. We shared a mutual hatred for each other and that we used our BEL classes as ‘battlefield’ for our war of words.

We called each other names and tried to one-up each other on a regular basis. At one point she mocked my change in hairstyle and how I turned from a ‘geeky good guy’ into a ‘surfer-boy-wannabe’ and I mocked her being a Shah Alam-reject and how while she was supposed to be a debater, I always managed to outscore and out-talk her in speaking tests in class.

The feud went on for a while before the next semester (my fourth semester diploma) where things just died down. We stopped mocking each other, but there’s always that tension between us and we barely talked to each other after that.

During the final exams of my fourth semester during diploma, she failed to show up for the final exams – where we soon found out that she was diagnosed with leukemia. She passed away 6 months later.

It has always been my biggest regret that I never got to apologize to her for everything I said and did to her. I mean, it kills me that I didn’t get that chance.

While I did manage to visit her in the hospital before she passed, we talked normally as if we never had any animosity, and it was as if we have buried the hatchet, I never did manage to tell her how sorry I was.

I was distraught when she passed and guilt washed all over me. I couldn’t believe that she was gone and I couldn’t make things up with her. I was devastated beyond words. I cried that she was gone, and cried because I never got to really apologize.

It was at that moment Jaslina, who was there for me at the time, tried to calm me down and reminded me of the day that I visited her and how despite not uttering any of the apologetic words, my presence alone to visit her was enough because in that meeting, I looked into her eyes, her into mine, we knew that there’s no more animosity – despite the lack of apology.

So in essence, yes, regrets that follows death is the worst feeling in the world to have, but at the same time, I guess, if we truly believe and care about the person that just passed, we would know that they would have forgiven us ages ago – because that what makes us love them in the first place.

To everyone that we’ve loved, cared, missed, respected, forget to say sorry and who’s already gone…

Al-Fatihah.

Lumos Flies

"I'd like to make myself believe

that someday you'll fall for me

It's not like I'm gonna tell you

to your face or anything

but 'till it happens I'll still have my dreams (of you and me)

I'd like to make myself believe

that someday you'd fall for me

It's not like I'm gonna tell you

to your face or anything

because I'm too afraid you'd disagree"

- Lumos Flies (Parody of Owl City’s Fireflies)

King of Kings

Motorhead’s ‘King of Kings’ is the title-theme for today’s post; which I guess, reflects my mood on writing this – arrogance? A royal pain in the ass? You decide.

So anyways, it’s been a while since I’ve ranted about anything – so I think it’s about time to go on another rant, don’t you think? Let’s face it; I can’t go long without finding something that is rant-worthy.

So for the past week (or last week – depends on when I post this because I’m typing this on Friday), I’ve been publishing my fascinating people of 2009 list. Of course, from that said list, some people seemed to be genuinely excited by it, some reads it just for the sake of reading it, some enjoy seeing themselves on the list while some (read: Ain Abu Zarin) got offended by it.

It took me a whole month, but ‘The Dreamy’s Eyes’ finally generated its first controversy of 2010. Well, it’s a good thing too, because I haven’t been embroiled in a feud for a while now, and I’m tired of being all rainbows and sunshine.

Here’s what happened; back in the first half of the year, Ain pulled some stuff on me; some of which includes lying on a regular basis – inconsistent stories and gave strong hints on how she disapproved or at least rendered unhappy with my relationship with Amal. To me, those are just petty things that someone like her might do, so I just let it slide, because really, I let petty crap slide almost on a regular basis.

What bothered me however; is when she started spreading false rumors about me; telling people that I was head-over-heels in love with her, when almost everyone in my circle of friends knows that it’s not true (I mean, come on, Adderly in love? Most women who is involved with me one way or another can testify against me falling in love – sans that one person of course, but I digress), but I was still uncomfortable with that.

I’ve addressed the ‘Ain’ situation once last year – in a post titled; “Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace” under the second section; ‘The Road Ahead” and hasn’t been addressed since – at least until earlier this week with my list. Obviously my list is how people work around me throughout 2009, and the fact that I included her (at number 20 to boot) tells you what? Exactly.

Here’s basically what happened, someone read my blog, and saw Ain’s name and immediately told her to read my blog (hey, my blog get some love from strangers too), and she did, which offended her greatly. She immediately messaged me in Facebook with this to say:

“ade org suh aku bce blog ko...sori la bro. jgn buh my name in ur list..bile bce geli jer..aku xpnh heran pown ko dgn amal ke ape ke.n aku xpnh ade hati kat ko. jgn la perasan lebih sgt wat malu jer nti..k tc.xde keje ke smpi ade bnyk mase wat blog.aku xde kwn mcm ko pown xrugi lor..”

First of all, my reaction is to laugh because I find it amusing. I was inclined to reply to her “aku xde kwn mcm ko pown xrugi lor” remark by simply saying; “Look, of course you x rasa rugi not having me as a friend – because there’s no more BEL next semester,” which is a direct shot of how she came to be close to me – she wants my help with her atrocious English and BEL (okay, okay, poking fun of her English *is* hitting below the belt, I’m sorry – I take it back).

She then proceeded by updating this on her status:

Nurul Ain Abu Zarin:

bru aku tau org yg bwt2 blog ni xde keje..haha...mcm haram je! perasan gile mamat tu.

… Before decided to delete me from her friends list

To which, I find it amusing also – not because of the perasan remark, but how she attacked people with blogs; which she probably have no idea how it works in the first place. I mean, I don’t have to attack her on this because really, I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who would like to take a swipe at her.

But my simple reply to that is this; Tallulah Bankhead once said; ‘‘it’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time,” and since we can safely say that blogs are basically the new millennium’s version of a diary; what does that tell you about her?

Okay, now to deal with the real matter on hand.

Fact of the matter is this, Ain, you pick a wrong person to start a feud with, because quite frankly, you can’t win. Not a chance. The only thing you have going for you is how you think that I’m perasan and ‘have no life’ because I have a blog. Other than that, what else do you have?

Dude, I’m Adderly – and it’s not just a catchphrase, because I’ve earned the right to be proud of who I am.

Maybe if you started this feud 3 years ago or at least at the start of our degree, you might just be able to eke out a win, but now, there’s no chance for you. Yes, I know that you can find some sympathizers that might join your pursuit against me, I won’t deny that fact that there are people who detest me, but I’ve got more people behind me than you think.

While if you pulled this stunt a couple of years ago, it’s going to be my word against yours, and you would win because I haven’t really established who I really am yet, but now, now you’re in my territory sweetheart, now it’s YOUR word against mine – and I got the proof and witness to back me up on this.

The thing about this so-called feud is this, I shouldn’t have called it a feud because quite frankly, it doesn’t even evoke and type of anger out of me; and the so-called rant that I thought that I wanted to do, is basically isn’t a rant because there isn’t much of rage or anger in me.

I guess, Ain officially qualifies to be inducted as another member of the 'hater' club.

So yeah, I just thought that I might let this out because Ain, you’re at least 18 months too late, because back then I was still a social pariah it might work, but now, it would be an epic fail, because now you’re in my kingdom and I’m KBM Royalty.

Five to One

With all the hints that I’ve given on my previous post (I can’t really say yesterday because the time I’m writing this is actually on Wednesday and this is supposed to be up on Friday – hello future! …but I digress), I’m sure you guys would have a vague idea of who would be in the top 5, right? Well, no more waiting (doubtful that there are people waiting for this every day), here’s the top 5 most fascinating people of 2009 according to Adderly.

5. Jehan Soraya

Jehan is my debating soul mate – if there is such a thing. We’ve won two championships together and clicked well together inside and outside of the debating arena (lol @ arena) and I share almost everything about me with her. To think that if it wasn’t for debating, we would just pass each other in KBM just saying hi to each other without knowing how good the both of us could work together. Fascinating how debating can make that happen.

4. Aida Noor Fasya

If I call you both an emotard and an emoester, then something must be up. From my first interaction with her where she couldn’t take off her face mask, to her poking fun of her own double chin (which would later prove to be a huge mistake), her calling me an asshole and it stuck, her love potion remark and her millions and millions of mood swings – happy and laughing one moment; crying the next, to being victim of bahan by almost everyone, the fact that she’s still here – notwithstanding the emotional outbursts here or there show how fascinating this creature call ANF could be.

3. Noel Meldan

This guy is an enigma – and I mean it in the most bahan-able way possible. Before I got to know him, I always thought how injury prone this guy was – and still is because every time I look at him, he would always have a brand new injury to his foot of steel. But yeah, as I got to know him; I learned that he cursed at almost every single thing, there’s always the need to protect your food from him and he can be a big baby – but despite that, he’s a good debater, a good friend and someone who’s cool to hang out with. So yeah, that’s how fascinating Noel is – that’s why he gets to be in the top 3.

2. Omelia

Yes, the merged creature that we’ve all come to know as ‘Omelia’ sits pretty at number two on the list. Separately, both are fascinating; Omar with his monotone Jai-Ho and Amelia being extra naïve and basically a penguin; but neither would make it to the top 3 apart, but together they’re fascinating in a way that you just can’t help but to laugh when thinking back. Amelia admitted to not liking Omar at first, and I heard one of the earlier comments by Omar on Ame; “I want the best speaker” and despite Omar’s ‘condition,’ fascinatingly, they got together. So individually and together; somehow, they work.

1. Nur Amalina

There shouldn’t be any doubt as to why she deserves the number one spot of Adderly’s “20 Most Fascinating People of 2009.” She was my girlfriend for pretty much most of the year; the first half of the year, I was with her, and got back together around November before breaking up again a couple of weeks before New Years. Even when we weren’t together, she was still prominent in my life – and the fact that she could turn me into someone’s boyfriend (hers) – twice, was a fascinating feat in itself, hence that, among many other reasons that I don’t really want to divulge now makes her the worthy number one on the list of 2009.

So there you go; all 20 people have been revealed in the span of 4 days and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did doing it. Maybe I would get around doing the ‘Fascinating People of the Past Decade’ (2000-2009), but we’ll see how it goes, because I think these lists takes away from me talking about other stuff – not that I have much to say anyways, so yeah.

Until then, I guess I'm heading to Melaka this weekend; hopefully business will pick up there.