Sympathy for the Devil III

I had a conversation with one of my aunt couple of years ago when we were watching the news about people getting caught doing some petty crimes. She looked at me and told me something along the lines of; “If I were to be a bad guy, I would be the worst criminal there ever lived. If you’re already going to do bad things in your life, might as well do the bad things fully – and not half-assedly.”

I agree. I mean, you’re life is destined for doing bad things, why stop at petty crimes, might as well do it properly, kill some people, rape some people along the way. Now I’m not condoning these acts, it’s just that hey, if you want to be a bad guy, then do it properly, don’t do some petty crimes, and have your life ruined by doing something petty.

That’s what a bad guy should really be doing.

I wrote in my Facebook status the other day; “It's sad how easily I question things. Even sadder that I know the answer - just can't get it.”

Now I know that these may seem like random things, but bear with me, I’m not really digressing far from my point.

I make stupid choices almost every day and live to regret it. That’s the problem actually, despite my “asshole” persona that I’ve created for myself – or rather implemented in me, I actually have a conscience that ruins it all.

Yeah, I can be evil from time-to-time, but I always let what I do eat me up inside.

I made a stupid decision last night, and against the advice of Amy – Nik Amirah (It’s hard now that I have 2 Amys reading my blog), I did it anyways. Now, being “Adderly,” whatever happened last night should be sweep off under the rug, or being shrugged off easily – at least that’s the façade that I’ve created for people to see.

Usually at this point, I would say something along the lines of “I’m talking about you, you know who you are,” but this time it’s not you, you don’t know who you are. It’s someone else.

The problem is this; I can’t shrug it off. I continue to let it eat me up inside.

This is bad.

It's like doing bad things and regretting it. It's like telling someone something and then realized that it's better to just shut up.

I’m in the worst situation there is; I’m a devil with a heart.

Time for Miracles

Never before have I truly appreciated a holiday until now.

The Amazing Crack

It’s only been 3 days, and I already feel like I’m about to crack… well technically, I started feeling to crack on the first day.

I’m talking about my practical training. Oh joy.

It’s been well-documented on how I’m struggling to cope on my practical in Facebook, but now that I’ve found time to blog, I guess that I can start to really bitch about it.

What I hate most about my practical is the fact that it’s sucking the life out of me. I mean, for the whole day I have to sit in my cubicle quietly doing my job – something that I don’t really know I’m doing it right or not.

I know that usually in class, I used to be the first person to finish my accounting assignment or work, but there, I have like, proper guidance, now, I feel lost. Yeah, I’ve been thought the basics, and I’m more than capable of doing things my own after the briefing, and I do ask questions from time to time, but somehow it’s not enough.

The thing is, I do my job, and it’s done, but I don’t know whether it’s right or wrong. So I go and ask, and then correct mistakes and go on to my next task. Sounds simple enough, right? However, at the rate of how I do my job – which is usually quickly, following the said process, I would have to ask my superior what’s next or to check my work every 15 minutes, which isn’t really a good thing.

At first it was fine, but I could see the look of frustration in her eyes every time I come up to her with my work, as if saying “what now?”

Don’t get me wrong, the people there are great, but they have their own work too, and most of the time, I have no idea what mine are.

The thing about sitting quietly in my cubicle is this, I can’t be Adderly. You know; the arrogant, pain in the ass, funny, crazy, joker Adderly. Sitting there, I could literally feel my life being sucked out of me.

I can’t really joke around or talk and have fun even though I have 2 former schoolmates there because everyone is so consumed with their work while I, well, am not.

I can’t even bahan people!

You know what I also miss? The fact that I can’t spiked my hair. I know that I should be professional and do my hair as such, yadda, yadda, yadda, but I need to spike it back. Haha.

Probably what I hate most about not being able to be Adderly; is the fact that I can’t be Adderly. In KBM, the name Adderly means something, be it good or bad, it’s Adderly. I have built myself into someone who is respected enough and well-known enough as the guy or the ‘BMIC.’

Now, I’m just a regular old guy who is having trouble doing his job.

That is why the moment I arrive home, the first thing I do (after eating of course) is that I finish up another edition of “The Amazing Race KBM” before I head to bed.

This is because I’m so cooped up at work that I feel like screaming, so I go home and express my creativity that way… and bahan people in the Amazing Race along the way, too.

Wow it felt good to let this out.

So 3 days down, roughly 5 months and 3 and-a-half weeks to go, for me, this really is the time for miracles.

Bad Romance

Couple of days ago, I was browsing through my old blog called “Dining with the King,” (don’t bother googling it, I’ve tried, and my blog doesn’t appear) and it brought up some memories. Most of my readers don’t really know about my old blog, but the readers who have been with me for years; Azie, Amy (Nik), and FawaDy would probably remember my old blog (or not, haha).

So, in honor of that, for the first time in a while, I would bring back “Dining with the King” into my new blog.

Without further adieu, “The Dreamy’s Eyes” is proud to present, for one time only, “Dining with the King #103.”

APPETIZERS: I’M A FLIRT

I am probably the ultimate bachelor, I mean, I’m just not cut out for a good, long-term relationships. I’m the type of guy who can’t stay for too long with the same woman… at least, hopefully not yet.

I mean, I’m never going to be a good boyfriend, well technically I have been before, which I will address more in the main course section later, but yeah, in a nutshell, I’m not a good boyfriend.

In a way, I’m the type of guy that is more into the ‘thrill of the chase’ than actually settling down with someone, yeah, it is somewhat cruel and/or childish, but that’s what I’ve become.

I don’t know whether I would change, hopefully I could, especially when it’s time to get married, because I too, would like to settle down sometime, but I digress.

At the end of the day, this is who I am today, I am Adderly, and I believe, just by tasting my appetizers, I’ve angered a handful of women. You know who you are.

MAIN COURSE: THE WAY I ARE

When I was with my first ever girlfriend, Ilyani, I was clueless, and I was equally of a dumbass when I was with Jas. However, when I was with Intan Shafinas, she was at the time, my dream come true, and in a sense, I was a very romantic guy. Yeah, I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend, but I was still young and learning, but I was, however, very romantic. Intan was also my first long-distance relationship after she had to change schools.

Like I said before, Intan was the personification of everything that was good with the teenage Adderly. The moment I left her, I chose a different path, a path that changed me immensely. I’ve evolved into an early green young flirt that doesn’t really believe in commitments anymore.

Fast forward to 2005; where I’ve met Farah Syazana, and like I was under her spell, I became a loyal dog to her, following on her every whim – which in the end, brought catastrophic results to me. However, the end result aside, when I was with her, bar one or two things, I was almost the perfect boyfriend. I did everything she asked of me and more. I basically gave her the world at my expense and was happy about it. At that time, she didn’t know how much I’ve sacrificed for her just to see her smile.

For once, in a relationship, I was deemed the good guy.

Syazana then proceeded to go and dumped me like yesterday’s garbage and proceeded to treat me like the garbage that she thought I was. Add to the fact that I have to see her face every single day, plus the fact that she always seem to be texting someone or calling someone right in front of me just burned me like a thousand suns.

After I finally snapped out of Syazana’s spell, thanks to you-know-who, a new Adderly was born. Well, more like a matured version of the Adderly that was born after leaving Intan re-emerged. I would simply call him, “Mr. DeMarco.”

“Welcome back, Mr. DeMarco.”

Time passed, and Amal came and made me a better person overall. Even after our amicable break up earlier this year, nothing changed in me. “Mr. DeMarco” is slowly turning back into the very lovable “McDreamy.”

Earlier this semester, I was feeling romantic yet again, feeling like it’s time to shed the “Don Juan DeMarco” persona and be a better, nicer, sweeter and more romantic guy, because I know that most of you could see it, even when I was still this flirt called DeMarco, there were sweet little things that I would do, even unbeknownst to me, that would grab your heart.

So, after years, ages it seems, the romantic side of me started to emerge and it came to a head during this past semester’s mid-sem break. Of course we all know that the romantic gesture failed.

After the attempt at being romantic failed – miserably, I was depressed for like a whole week, and could be longer if it wasn’t for ICDC where I really need to buck up so that I could perform my best. I mean, no depressed debater can win anything, right?

But of course, training for the ICDC while my heart and soul was still wounded, someone called me an asshole as a joke, but at the time she probably meant it. Being called an asshole while my heart was still not healed somewhat hurt, but I shrugged it off, and suddenly as Noel would it, “Mr. Asshole” was born.

That ladies and gentlemen, lead to where I am today. I’m not making an excuses or anything, but I’m just telling you a story.

DESSERT: WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE

So what’s the point of all this? Other then reliving my old blog of “Dining with the King?” Well, consider this fact, yeah, I am Adderly and I can be a very great person. Oh screw it, I am a great person. However, I am flawed.

History has changed me so much in the past couple of years and I’ve rolled with the punches. Yeah, maybe I made some bad choices in the past couple of years, but I’ve also made great ones too.

I’ve failed in a lot of things, but I’ve accomplished more, too.

The thing is, I am not always going to be the best boyfriend in the world, I might not act like when I was with Syazana, my past thought me that I shouldn’t be like that anymore. At the same time, I’ve learned not to be a horrible boyfriend like I was with Jas way back when.

I won’t fall in love easily, that much I made clear already, so to ask me to fall in love is going to be hard and it takes time.

Yeah, I may have a panic attack once in a while, and I may have angry rants with profanities every now and then, I may not be the most romantic of person at times, and I may focus more on my studies then girls when it’s the exams season, but this is who I am. This is part and parcel of Adderly Shah.

However, if you manage to stay with me and look past those deficiencies, like I do to yours, then you might just get to see more of me, the side of me that even McDreamy would be jealous of. But it takes time and patience.

So at the end of the day, if you thing that I’m worth all the trouble and you’re willing to put up with all my crap, in order to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (even though it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine), then you know what, I’m happy to be with you. If you can roll with the punches with me, then you know what, I would do anything for you, too.

I am not “McDreamy,” because I, I am Adderly Shah.

“Cheque Please.”

God Bless the Broken Road

First of all let me wish Yati or Megumi Shika a happy birthday. I wish you all the best in future endeavors and many more to come. I really hope that you enjoy your day, and I’m sorry I can’t be there and join your birthday celebration.

I hope you have fun, enjoy yourself, and things would pick up and be better for you.

* * *

I found Intan Shafinas today, albeit by Facebook. She’s getting married next month. How do I feel about that? Beats me, I have no idea.

Am I sad? Not really, I mean, she was my ex when I was in high school, and we haven’t contacted each other in years, since before diploma I think.

So I’m happy? In a way, yeah, I’m happy for her, because I’ve always said that she should be happy, especially after what I did to her, but then again, she was my longest relationship.

What is it then? Happy or sad? Can I say confused? Okay, maybe not confused, just a little bit weird out perhaps.

Okay, I don’t have any more feelings for her, but it’s weird you know, seeing your ex about to get married, and I’m nowhere near marriage to boot, not that I want to get married of course – early marriage I mean, but I digress.

I’ve talked to Amy – Nik Amirah, and I felt much better after telling someone, but yeah, I guess what really got me thinking was this, it could have easily been me.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane shall we, I first got to know Intan when I was Form 1 in KGV and to make a long story short, I tried to woo her, only to get her in Form 4, right after I almost gave up on her.

She also inspired me to write my first mini-novel of sorts; ‘Opening up a Heart’ (I wonder where it is now?), and that got us together.

Looking back then and how my life is now, its way different. There have been many crossroads that I’ve been through, and one of the biggest crossroads was the decision to leave her. That decision alone changed me as a person, and I took a road that would forever define me as a person.

Now do I regret the choice I made back then? I honestly don’t know. I mean, bar some pain-in-the-ass moments by yours truly (I doubt I’d be talking like this if I was still with her), I think I’ve turned into a good and decent person.

I mean, who knows where my life would take me should I decided to stay with her, but I didn’t. I chose a different path, and I’m satisfied with that.

I’ve done a lot of horrible things in my life, and one of them is how I treated Intan back then. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. She’s getting married now, and honest to God, I’m happy for her. I wish her all the best and all the happiness that she can get, because if anyone deserves happiness, it’s her, because really, Nor Intan Shafinas is the personification of everything good that I could be.

At the end of the day, I didn’t choose her, I chose me. Yeah, maybe the road I’ve chosen wasn’t my best decision at the time, but you know what, as broken and run down as this road that I’ve chosen, I’m happy that I did.

God bless the broken road, because it led me to 'McDreamy.'

The road I chose led to this

God bless this broken road that led me straight to YOU.

Purple

Amelia was happy, she was out with Omar, and nothing could go wrong. They walked around Dataran Pahlawan, when suddenly Omar told her to wait awhile while he goes somewhere. Amy waited by the fish pond for Omar.

As she was admiring the fishes, there was a tap on her shoulders, and when she turned around, Omar was holding a single purple flower.

“Oh my God! That is so beautiful, thank you Omar!” exclaimed a very happy Amelia as Omar just replied with a simple smile.

Amy was amazed and happy. She was lost for words in what Omar has done for her. Amy was so happy that she didn’t mind the fact that people were staring and laughing at her yellow pants.

Yeah, Omar maybe the monotonous guy with sarcastic one-liners, who under the influence of Adderly have become very active in teasing both her and Fasya, but still, the gesture was very romantic.

Suddenly a thought crossed Amy’s mind, and she immediately asked Omar, “What does the purple flower mean?”

Omar looked at Amy with utter confusion, the smile dissolved from his face. “You don’t know what the purple flower means?”

Amy shook her head. Omar’s eyes narrowed, a mysterious rage flickering over his face. “I’m very sorry to hear that, Amy.”

With no warning, Omar holds both side of Amy’s shoulders, and with all his strength, threw Amy into the fish pond. Amy was in shock, one second she was the happiest girl in the world, now she found herself flying and dropped into the pond with the fishes.

Before she could regain her composure, from the corner of her eye she saw security with a huge nightstick knocked Omar’s head, rendering him unconscious.

The two security guards then helped Amy out of the pond as people were staring in disbelief at what just transpired.

Breathing heavily, and thoroughly confused, Amy looked down at the unconscious Omar in front of her. She had no idea what had just happened, but she knew it wasn’t normal.

“What exactly happened?” asked the security to Amy. She took a deep breath, composed himself, and explained.

“I was talking to him and he gave me a purple flower. I asked him, what the purple flower means, and he went psycho on me, threw me in the pond.”

“Wow, that’s messed up. Well, I guess we’ll take care of it. You know what the purple flower is now, right?” asked the security as Amy shook her head.

“He never explained, just started attacking me!” The security guards looked at each other, fingering their nightsticks gently. With no further warning, they leapt at the gullible Amy, sticks now in hand, and beat her over the head with them. Amy screamed in pain, and started to cry as they brought the nightsticks down again and again, whacking every inch of her body in pain.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Amy screamed, blood streaming from her nose. She was crying uncontrollably. Her sudden outburst took the security guards by surprise, and Amy took this opportunity to scramble to her feet and run for the door.

Spilling out onto the street, Amy dashed out into the car park of Dataran Pahlawan, and fell to her knees. Her face was bruised and bloodied, she was crying, and just realized that her phone dropped in the pond. Amy looked behind her and, to her relief, saw no pursuit. Trying to get her head around what had just happened; young Amelia failed to notice a policeman approaching.

“What’s going on here then?” Amy looked up at the officer, the blood slowly drying on her face.

“Hello officer,” she said faintly

“Are you alright, dear?”

“No I’m NOT! I was on a date and the guy gave me a purple flower. So I asked him what it meant, and he went psycho on me, threw me into the fish pond! Then the security guards arrived, and I told them what had happened, and they asked me if I knew what the purple flower was, but I didn‘t, and then they started attacking me with nightsticks, and I managed to escape. Now I’m wet, and bloodied and I just want to go home!”

“Well, it sounds like you’ve had a horrible day. Tell me what the purple flower is, and we’ll get this whole mess sorted out.”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Amy screamed. “Nobody has told me what the purple flower is; they’ve just beaten me up for not knowing… Shit.”

Amy stopped talking when she noticed that the policeman was starting to reach for his gun.

There was nothing else for it: Amy knew what was coming and started to run quick as her legs could carry her away from the policeman. She realizes that the mere mention of the purple flower brings trouble. Every time she’d told somebody what had happened to her, it had ended with a question about the purple flower; every time she’d answered a question about the purple flower, she’d been horribly beaten.

Without stopping to look behind him, Amy dashed out and onto the road near the Equatorial Hotel.

Suddenly, she was hit by a huge, red, Panorama bus and died instantaneously.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Thank you.

Back at One

They say that ‘home is where the heart is.’

I guess I don’t disagree with that fact, and considering also the fact that my heart has been in utter discontentment during the past couple of days in Melaka, is it a wonder why I’m already back in Seremban – days earlier than I’m supposed to be?

* * *

… and then there was only ONE.

… and a half.

… or is it none?

Whyyawannabringmedown

I’ve turned into a monster.


… an asshole to be precise.


I used to be called ‘McDreamy’ because I wasn’t an asshole.


I blame my façade for turning me into an asshole.


I would love to elaborate more, but I’ve got my final, final paper to contend with in 6 hours or so.