They say that ‘home is where the heart is.’
I guess I don’t disagree with that fact, and considering also the fact that my heart has been in utter discontentment during the past couple of days in Melaka, is it a wonder why I’m already back in Seremban – days earlier than I’m supposed to be?
* * *
… and then there was only ONE.
… and a half.
… or is it none?
Where should I begin?
I used to be very good at expressing my feelings, hell, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. Of course, Farah Syazana changed that - made me clam up, and of course, and incident that happened earlier this semester made me decide against being romantic at all.
I know some of you might not believe this, but I used to be very romantic and very and dreamy to women (hence the McDreamy tag), but past experience have turned me into the asshole that I am today.
I would consider the fact that maybe, just maybe the asshole persona is just a mask, a facade for my real self, but that's the only extent to it.
Look, I never said that the world revolves around me - though my arrogant persona might make one think that, but what I was basically saying is that, yeah, my life is kinda messed up, but I never said that it was horrible.
I mean, what I was basically saying in my previous post is how I too can crack if there's so much pressure heaped on me - God knows, I've already snapped once or twice this year.
Yeah, I'm saying that even the strongest of houses can be blown away and collapse should there be a tornado. I'm just saying.
Clusterfuck basically means that more than one thing is not going well - or at least that's how I would define clusterfuck. So yeah, more than one thing is not going well in my love life, and I'm not addressing one or two person in my post, I'm actually addressing three - and maybe four, if the fourth gets the message.
So yeah, I do admit, there's always something with me and yeah, I am confused.
This is simply because I really don't want to take the easy way out and hurt myself or other people along the way.
I guess things will unfold themselves after the 9th - or at least I hope so.
There’s like a lot of things that I want to say, I want to address, to vent out, but now is not really the time. I mean, exam-blues aside, there’s something that’s been bothering me for awhile now – and of course, like all other things in life, it involves my love life.
First of all, let me just say that my love life is a clusterfuck.
Second of all, before I elaborate on the first point, let me just say that, I’ve always said that I’m a big boy and that I’ve been through a lot and barely anything fazes me anymore, hence I can take a beating. However, as time passes by, more beating that I take, the less I can endure.
Here’s the thing, early this semester, I embraced the fact that I’m single and that being single is the best thing that could happen for me – commitment free. As time wears on, so was my conviction. Things was getting complicated every day, and things started to get out of hand.
Cue the clusterfuck.
Look, I’m not going to delve into details, I mean, not yet anyways. I understand the need to move on or stay still is a hard thing to decide on doing. I also understand the need to focus during the exams without distractions. Yeah, I also understand how people have their own reality and fantasy that they try to decide on.
You know who you are.
But do remember, no matter how much I smile, how cocky I am, how much of an asshole I am, at the end of the day, like my previous post, I am still human. You can say a lot about me, you can ignore me, you can just push me away, and I would laugh, smile and move on like nothing matters.
But it does.
It does take its toll on me.
Yeah, I have a tough exterior, but when it wears out, what else is left?
What about when I really start to hurt and start to lose that smile?
What about now?
The fact that you take pleasure doesn’t bother me at all. For someone as great as me, merely losing a little battle when the war is imminent, it doesn’t bother me at all. I am truly unfazed.
Of course it bothers me. I worked hard to be on top and it hurts to be thrown back to reality.
Small hiccup on my way to greatness because all I have to do is just dust off myself and just go on like nothing else matters.
A dosage of reality always hurts, especially since I’ve been on cloud nine for ages. This serves as a lesson for me, to bounce back and I am more determined than ever.
It didn’t hurt and I will take back my throne.
It hurt but I’ll live.
… Because remember, I am Adderly.
… Because remember, I am only human.
I feel that it’s time that I address this.
I know some of my friends might not think that I’m not a good friend simply because when they try to share their problems with me and ask me for my opinion, I always try to avoid discussing about it.
That does make me look like a bad friend, but really, in my defense, whenever the topic comes up, it’s never a good time for me to actually discuss about it. Now, I guess, it’s time for me to address it.
I’ve listen to the stories from the guy, the girl, the friend and the housemate. My advice is simple, and this could also be applied to other situations as well, because I do apply it in my everyday life and I’m happy with it – or at least I think I am, but I digress.
Here’s the thing, when faced with a hard choice, just ask yourself, is it worth it?
Seriously, is the trouble and hassle that goes with it worth it? If not, then just walk away. I mean, I’ve done it a lot, not because I’m a coward, but simply for the fact that I don’t need the trouble or hassle in my life, I just don’t think that it’s worth it, so I walk away. This is probably the reason why I’m still single – mainly because I don’t want any major dramas in my life, so when I think it’s not worth it, I just walk away. So yeah, if you think that what you’re facing isn’t worth the drama, then you’d know it’s not important in the first place, so it’s better to walk away.
That said, if you do think that it is worth it, then go for it. Go and do it. Seriously. If you really do think that all the hassle and trouble are worth the end game, then by all means, do it. Forget what everyone else might think or say, you just go and do it. Fight for it, fight for every point, and make sure that you fight until the end because the end result is, what you believe to be worth it. Yeah, you might get hurt, but you might also get what you’ve always wanted.
For the friend and housemate, I’m sure that you want to help your friend, ensure that your friend makes the right choice and you want to protect them, and it’s a noble thing to do. However, at the end of the day, you just have to let go, let your friend make her own decision, yeah, maybe it won’t be for the best, maybe she’ll end up hurting herself, but you just got to let her do it.
Its part of life, live and let learn. When that happens, when she gets hurt, the true mark of a friend is being there for her and resisting the urge to say “I told you so.”
It’s simple really, you could ask anyone that is everyone for advice, but at the end of the day, you just have to ask yourself whether it’s worth it, and just listen to your heart.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”
I used to love this quote. ‘Used to’ would be the perfect key word here.
I’ve tasted greatness these past couple of months in one form or another, and I am grateful for what I’ve got. However, at the end of the day, there’s this old cliché of ‘life is like a wheel’ and that while I’m on top at one moment, I would soon be at the bottom of the barrel yet again. I’m mixing clichés now, aren’t I?
Anyways, the exams are nearing (less than one week from the time I’m typing this by the way), and unlike the previous semester, I haven’t really make waves with my studies – i.e. test and quiz results, or at least (hopefully) not yet.
Putting my BEL aside, my other subjects haven’t really generated much excitement on my behalf. My results haven’t been bad, it’s been good, it’s just that I’m not the best in what I do anymore. Maybe I’ve been a tad bit complacent, but I won’t discount my classmates as well. Most of them have stepped up, and I too, need to raise my game.
I won’t lie; it kills me that (aside from BEL) I haven’t been getting the top scores in my class. Yeah, I’m happy for my friends and all, and my results are still okay – still on the top percentile, but I can’t help to think that I need to be at the top of the food chain again.
Hopefully, when it really matters, I will be tops again, because unlike the last 2 semesters of diploma where I basically have lost my passion to study, this time the fire is still burning in me, and I still go to class with every intention to learn and better myself.
Okay, it just occurred to me that some of you might find it boring that I’m talking about my studies, but this just show you how important my studies are to me and how I really want to be tops again.
I know it’s a tad bit arrogant to think that being on top is my rightful place, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking down on my peers. No, no, no. Not at all.
I look around my batch in KBM and it’s a good thing to see more people scoring in their tests and quizzes – shows how much people are improving and are doing well. Good for each and every one of them. Of course, I would be lying if I say that I wasn’t hoping to be the one on top.
I really do think that my friends could easily be great and I want them to score in their exams, I want people to get their best results and score the highest mark that they could achieve – and I know they can… it’s just that I want to be better.
I need to buck up and be the guy I know I can be. I want to kick ass in the finals and show people my true worth.
My name is Adderly Shah, and it’s about time that I run this town again.
Posts
All Comments
